Thursday, March 31, 2011

An Unloading of the Heart

The irony of my life is that during the school week I long for a day of nothing to do: time to sit, sip coffee, read, and contemplate. But as soon as I get the chance, I find it hard to actually get myself to sit down in my chair and do what I claim to "love".

I desire to have this amazing intimate relationship with God, but I hardly ever want to sit down, take time, and do the work it takes to study His love letter to me. That seems ridiculous already! If I truly viewed God as the lover of my soul and me as the Bride preparing herself for the Day of the Lord, then I should want to soak in every word of His letter to me.

The issue is taking time. I want to KNOW scripture, but I don't want to sit and read, meditate, and memorize it. I want to KNOW the Lord's will for me, but I don't want to take time to "call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding" or "look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure" (Pr. 2:3,4).

It's these moments that I have to realize that OF COURSE I don't always have the happy fuzzy feelings of spending time with God. We really are in the midst of a spiritual battle! And for this reason, I MUST arm myself with the armor of God and not live by my wavering emotions, for "the heart is deceitful above ALL things" (Jer. 17:9)

And furthermore, OF COURSE I often feel "off" or "empty" or "blah" as my roommates and I call it-- for my inward being (along with the whole creation) groans in eager expectation of the future glory that we have inherited as heirs of God (Romans 8).
It reminds me of this quote by C.S. Lewis: "If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world" Praise the Lord that this is not the end!

I love reading Revelation when I'm feeling "off". I want to be like the 24 elders who, even though they have been spending eternity worshipping God, they STILL fall on their faces EVERY TIME the living creatures start to sing "Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty!" (Rev 4, 5, 7, 11, 19)

So, I pray this song from Laura Story "Make Something Beautiful" :Listen!
That even though I may not FEEL like sitting and taking time, I CHOOSE to spend time with my Savior. And amazingly enough, He is faithful to give me the "emotions" I long for when I am obedient to spend time with Him. Praise God for appealing to my human desires to "feel something" and choosing to bless me with His grace!

"When I'm tired of pretending, and I can't recall my lines,
Do I say, I'm barely breathing., or just say, I'm doing fine.
I admit there is a yearning, for the hurting to subside,
But not at the risk of missing what You're doing with my life

All I know to do is lift my hands to you

Take all of my life, all of my life,
And make something beautiful.
I open my hand, trusting Your plan.
Make something beautiful so all will see
Your work in me, as You make something beautiful"

1 comment:

  1. Caroline, this blog was so good. I love all of the scripture that you included and I can't wait to reread it with my Bible. You went TO the Word with your problem and it is encouraging to read as someone who struggles with the same problem. This makes me so excited to see you :)